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jaceattherelt
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Name: Jason
Location: Springfield, Ohio, United States
Birthday: 10/10/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: God, theology, philosophy, multimedia, music, poetry, business, leadership, etc.
Expertise: stuff
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Media
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  godsboy97
MSN: jasonhan@mics.net
Yahoo:  jasonhanrahan@sbcglobal.net
Member Since:
9/21/2005
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| Sorry guys, i put this on myspace and facebook a couple of days back...but here it is for you xanga folks....
He waits un-faltered. He waits while still strong. He
waits as if it will not kill him, for he knows that indeed this will
not kill him, it will not destroy his faith nor take away his drive to
live and succeed in everything he does. No, he waits patiently, knowing full well that it may never come about. And he is fine with that. He realizes that sometimes the consequence is total failure.
He will regularly visit the swing of his past. He will come, sit, wait and watch for it to see if it will try again. He waits and yearns for it to walk up and take its rightful place on the swing beside him. The swing that he know saves and leaves vacant for it.
He prays that it might someday see that he is ready. But he is content with the fact that it might have moved on. Moved on far from him in order to heal from it's disownment. So that it might heal itself from being rejected by him. And he is fine with that.
There will still be times that he hurts. There will still be times that he wishes he was back in the day where that part of him was whole again. But, he lives in reality and he knows that he must persevere and carry on. He knows that there are many parts to a man's life, and luckily this part is not the foundation of his life. It is only a pillar that, if completed, would be a majestic addition to his life's foundation. A pillar that would compliment him in all that he does. A pillar that would provide a certain comfort and support that could come from no where else. But he remains strong, his foundation is firm. It was build on rock, not sand. So he stands un-faltered, only scratched with a pillar incomplete. He knows he was wrong and he has accepted his consequence. He has learned from this experience and has vowed to chase after it if it might return. So, this part of him waits. It waits for another chance. And maybe one day, this pillar might be complete. This pillar, one day, might majestically grace the architecture of his life.
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| so, i was in the old neighborhood today....
so many memories, thoughts, ideas, wishes, dreams and other things just engulfed my mind....
i
was walking on the playground that i would spend my recesses on in
primary school...and i swung on the swings that i swung on as a
kid...(all this at 10pm)...
it brought up so many memories....and problems that i dont think i will ever find a solution to....
when
you're a kid....you are so innocent...the world hasn't really initiated
you yet into the harsh reality of life....sometimes i think that the
way you feel as a kid...carefree and pure....that is the closest to
heaven that you can encounter here on earth....
there are some
things that i expereinced during this time that i knew i wanted to have
forever....but you lose those things. and you beat yourself later for
letting them go. and you wonder fi it was meant for you to have these
things even now, but maybe you screwed up and now you've lost them, and
the feeling that comes along with them, you've lost forever...you've
buried it like a pirate buries his treasure...except you can't dig this
treasure up alone...
or maybe you are just holding on to the past....and maybe you should just let it go....
but the one thing that keeps bringing you back, is that feeling that you get.....
that feeling that you have not yet felt since then but only when reliving those moments in your history....
and
that is all you have. the memories of that feeling. and the hope that
you will, one day, find that feeling inside something else.
Some creative writing to go along with this:
There
was once a man. A man that was once the wealthiest man in the world.
You see, he had this thing. This thing that not many people have had
the luck to acquire in the course of their lifetime; this certain
something that you can never really recover from or acquit yourself of.
Life
was sweet back when he had possessed this feeling. You see, nothing
could really disturb the core of his being. He was stable, in side and
out. You could never really shake him to where he would falter in his
step, nor could you ever alter his stride. He walked with an air about
him that would cause people to look back at him after passing him in
the streets. An air that spoke of the contentment and peace within his
soul; an air that displayed the simple fact that he was whole. There
was no part of him that was missing.
But through the course of
his lifetime, this thing gradually pulled away. It started to fade as
he went about his life. Sometimes, but only in a blink of an eye, it
would reappear strong, wanting to be a part of him. But for some
reason, he just pushed it away.
He never really knew why, he
never really even noticed it. Sure there were times that he didn’t feel
whole anymore, and there were times that he hurt. But there was
something that he substituted that emptiness with. These substitutes
varied and spread far throughout his life, but he was never truly able
to find this one thing that would replace that part of him.
Some
speculate that he was too caught up in his career or maybe he cared too
much about himself to see that this vital part of him, that he was
losing, was there knocking on his door, stepping on the back of his
feet, trying to nudge it’s way back into his life. Others speculate
that he knew it was there, but was afraid to commit to it, too afraid
to take a chance at this feeling. Maybe he thought about it too much.
Maybe he listened to intently to his mind and ignored his heart. Maybe
he listened too much to his surroundings and didn’t heed the advice of
his own love.
You see, this thing eventually lost it’s desire
and willingness to try and earn it’s way back into his life. It gave up
trying and moved on about it’s life. It lost contact with him and
rarely came about. It still thought of him, but thinking of him brought
pain, so little by little, it thought of him less, for as time went by,
it became harder and harder to reminisce of the memories that it had
with him.
When the man realized his doings, he quickly did what
any man would do. His heart grew hard. He rashly placed all the blame
on this part of him that was no longer there. He considered it their
fault and refused to try and mend it back into his life. He refused to
try and become whole again.
But on the inside, deep down in
the inner core of his heart, he hurt. He bled because he knew the real
reason why he was turn so. He knew the truth, he had figured it out. He
fully realized that he was the one to blame for this new era of pain.
He was the only one to blame.
He realized that he alone held the
missing piece of the puzzle. He realized that he was the one that was
supposed to chase after and pull this thing back into his life. It
wasn’t supposed to chase him, he was supposed to run after it. And soon
he fell ill with the realization that it tried to get his attention, it
wanted to be chased, it tried to get him to run after it, because in
the end, it would be there. It would be there waiting for him. But it’s
waiting had ended.
His heart gradually turned soft as he
accepted reality. His heart is gradually tearing itself apart with the
knowledge of his wrong doing. He is gradually losing hope for the
chance that this one area of his life might be full again. For he
realizes that there are other areas of his life that are whole, and
that might very well be the one thing that is keeping him alive. But,
this one area is lacking completeness. It is lacking this thing that he
once had but let go so long ago.
So he waits. He waits on the
swings of his past, hoping that it walks up and enters back into his
life. Hoping that this part of him might be whole again someday. For he
is sure that nothing will fill this chamber of his heart so completely
as this thing once had. He is sure that only this one thing will make
him whole again.
So, he waits. | | |
| so...much time has passed since the last time i have graced xanga with my presence....alas, myspace has won my heart and facebook my mind...consider it double-dating.... some history since the last time i spoke with you all: | | remember the toll booth
some thoughts on memory lane: many of us have a map that guides us to this path so appropriately named Memory Lane. it is a wonderful yet sometimes biting trail that takes us back in time to remenisce of the past: both bad and good. but one thing that we must remember, the toll booth. you see, nothing in life is free, including these trips that we make down memory lane. there is a toll booth that is set up at the entrance to this road. it is not easily seen and most of the time, the affects of this booth are not noticed until our journey has completed it's course. this toll booth charges...well...alot. and you can only spend so much. you only have so much to give to gain access to memory lane. the toll is high and you can only stand so much...or you will go into poverty...an state of emotional poverty. the booth does not take a monetary toll, but a toll on your state of mind...it takes an emotional toll that is non-refundable. you cannot take back what this booth has taken from you...but you can refuse to do business with it in the future...or at least regulate the amount of trips you make down memory lane. memory lane is not always bad...and you can judge when you can 'afford' to take the trip. it is good to go there sometimes...but watch yourself...and watch how far you travel on this road and what pit stops and turns that you make..... so remember this my children....and you will be rich...emotional speaking.... ~jace |
and more: i have conluded something very important: you can wonder too much sometimes.... ~j not done yet: So... in atlanta....couped up in a hotel and classrooms.... being bored...studying way too much....i hate crt monitors.....(the big ones...) they give me headaches..... trying to keep thinking about the letters at the end of this Act.... and going crazy.... they do have comedy central...(that is a plus...) and a smoothie shop right next door... and the one time that i need the only thing that i can count on always.... i dont have it....i really need that piano.... and what you have all been waiting for: new song...
let me know what you all think.... You are too great for my understanding, You have kept things from me, even though i'm demanding, You reveal things in the time that they're due, that's when i'm glad that, God, You only knew. i'ma glutten for knowledge, but sadly not wisdom, i'm a pig that just wants, to know every truth. that's when i miss, the point of this story, that this truth, is only You. there is more to it in the works. let me know what you all think of it so far... I think that this is it for now....i'll be back soon...dont worry, i shall never leave you all.... ~jace | | |
| there are times in life that require you to stop....just stop. stop caring, stop thinking, stop telling just stop. the reason for this ceasing is to keep your sanity...to keep your emotional self under control and to keep from living a life that is plauged by this virus that keeps tearing your heart open...over and over and over again....and just when you think it has torn it all....it finds more and more to tear.
the sad thing about these times is that it really, in reality, isnt even concerning you. sure you are involved....but you are only involved because you care about the person. this person, or anyone for that matter, is doing nothing to you directly, but rather indirectly....they usually dont even realize just how much you care and how much it does hurt to see them throwing their lifes out....making bad decisions based on wanting to be accepted. sure, it sounds like a cliche...and no, most teenagers will not admit to the fact that they change to fit in with a certain group of people...but they do....and it is so easy to change yourself for the worse in order to feel accepted.
so what can you do? what can you do when they dont listen...when they dont head your advise. "oh, its just jason on his moral soup box...hes just uptight and too mature. he doesnt know how to have fun". i know how to have this 'fun'. although i have not partaken of it, i know many people who have....and wish they hadn't.
you can only say so much...you can only care so much....and you can only give of yourself so much. there is a limit to what you can do and give....and, ultimately, i believe i have reached my limit. i cant do it....i cant cry anymore, i cant keep trying to mend my heart anymore, i cant worry anymore, i just cant....
to them:
i will still be there when you need me, and yes i will still be your friend....i will still be the one that you can turn to...i will still be the strength on which you can draw from...you still are my brother...and i will still love you as i have before....but i am done trying to warn. i am done trying to fix things when you dont want them to be fixed. i have overused my tears and have over-taxed my mind. i am not God nor am i you. i cannot try to do it for you. i cannot stay awake, be disoriented, stay unsettled or worry anymore; for this is the time to be done.
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i have a headache....
life...wwwaaayyy too many decisions....
mowing grass is good.....
swimming is good....
reeses are better...
naps are fantastically amazing...
a movie with a good friend tops it off...
dad taking my milkshake...
some myspace and aim....
and not i am off to bed....
until the night
~j. michael | | |
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